It's been quite some time since I have had anything I felt was relevant or interesting enough to write a blog about and ask people to read. It's still winter, and it's always cold. I still go to work, and there's always too much to do. I come home, and still have 7 roommates. Each day feels the same as the one before it. I absorb the stories and experiences of each of them, and attempt to understand and relay them to my community.
This past week I was pushed to a breaking point at work. I felt the pressure of handling people's lives in a way I have never felt before. I didn't sleep much, as I was always thinking about something I could have done differently or a patient I needed to call and check in on the next day. I felt distant and scared and overwhelmed. But still, I felt as though each day was a carbon copy of the next. I woke up every morning knowing I would be the same kind of exhausted I was when I fell asleep the night before.
Yesterday, the Jesuit who presided the mass we attended gave me a much needed outlook on how I've been feeling the past few months. In Ignatian tradition, repetition is an essential component in prayer. A retreatant is asked to repeat words, phrases, and feelings during various parts of St. Ignatius' Spiritual Exercises. Repetition, according to Ignatius is how we:
Find God differently in the same place.
Boom. Finally some newness. This translated to me as: In the sameness of each day, find new ways to love or relate to my patients and community members. In repetition, we are able to see something more deeply or love more deeply. There are subtle differences that reveal beauty and mystery. Each day is an opportunity to perfect a skill, conversation, or teaching tool. The old saying is "practice makes perfect". Repetition is practice. Rather than dread it, Ignatius tells us to embrace it because there is always more to learn.
Find beauty/God/love/mystery differently in the same place.
