Getting used to it.

In the space between this post and the last, I have had a very difficult time sorting out how I'm feeling, what is interesting to share, what should be kept to myself, and in the end- what is most necessary for people to know.

Something that has been on my mind a lot lately is the experience of being a woman in Milwaukee. I have grown up and been educated in such a way that I have rarely ever felt held back by my gender. In fact, most of my life it has been just the opposite. I spent a lot of time in college reflecting on the systems of privilege and oppression that are acting in my life (shout out Nick Cubita), but that introspection has taken a very different journey in Milwaukee.

In Seattle, I grew accustomed to taking long walks or drives in my neighborhood at any time of day. I could walk one block and sit in a clean and safe park where I could sit and stare at the sun setting behind the Olympic mountain range. In Milwaukee, I feel uncomfortable walking outside alone at any time of day, and there are no clean parks in sight. I get to work about an hour early most days because it is when I can travel safely with one of my boy roommates. The short walk I take alone between our service sites is frequently interrupted by catcalls or even a car pulling over encouraging me to get in. Keep in mind this is all around 8am on a beautiful autumn day. The frustration in knowing that I can't walk anywhere alone in the area around my house or my job is crippling. I have always coped with the stress of life by walking and thinking and reading in parks. This year, I am almost completely dependent on other people to accompany me in activities that have become intimately connected with the core of who I am. The stubborn side of me likes to push the limits of this dependency and escape alone into our neighborhood. Each time I have been forced home by the uncomfortable feeling that I am extremely vulnerable.

This reality is shocking to me. Every morning and afternoon I have to plan my commute home around someone else. I can't walk to the grocery store to pick up something we forgot for dinner. I am a proud and independent woman who has had to swallow a big piece of humble pie and admit that I need other people to keep me safe. Aside from my stubbornness, admitting to this reality has forced me to think long and hard about the reality of human relationships. Coming into this year, I was looking forward to engaging with a new community and neighborhood. I never once thought that there would be people who didn't really want to engage with me. It has taken me about this long to think that it is okay to pay attention the feeling in my gut that says, "Abbey you aren't safe here". That doesn't have to mean that I am furthering stereotypes or not giving a person a fair chance. It means that I am paying attention to the reality of my situation.

This isn't to say that there aren't wonderful parts about our neighborhood like our next door neighbor who weeds our lawn and brings us tomatoes. It also doesn't mean that Milwaukee is a terrible place to be. It is a beautiful city with so much culture and history.

It is a constant struggle to give up parts of my independence. It feels almost as though I am giving up parts of who I am and coping skills that I have spent so long perfecting. I get so angry every time one of the boys leaves the house alone and walks to the gym or to play basketball. I want to believe that time and some TLC will make me immune to the reality that I am held back by part of my identity that I have been raised to be proud of. But, everyday when I cross into the four blocks surrounding our house, I still get a sinking feeling in my stomach. I remember walking in silence with my roommate one day last week and crossing that threshold. He broke the silence of my thoughts by looking around and saying, "I don't think I'm ever going to get used to this."

At first, I was saddened by that thought, but after a couple of blocks, I was energized by it. We aren't supposed to get used to it. Our discomfort should be a foundation for conversation and change, not something we get used to. I don't live in fear or anger at my reality, but committed to it. Like I said, this is one of those things that I felt was necessary to share. It is hard to talk about because I don't want to take away from the wonderful parts of our neighborhood and community as there are many, but it is important to pay attention to feelings of discomfort too.

This city has already opened my eyes and heart to realities I didn't know existed. Here's to hoping that I never get used to any of them. .